I am one of those girls who look at people who have had
weight-loss surgery as cheaters, imposters, easy-way-outers. When they post photos of their weight-loss,
to me it feels like a student drawing an extra line on an “F” paper to make it
look like an “A”. Not real. I may smile and tell them they look great,
and in my head I’m thinking, “You’re going to stretch that sucker out and gain
it all back.” And “This is why you’re
fat in the first place, because you won’t just eat right and exercise!” I am
not proud of this, but it’s the truth.
So why am I getting it done? Because I can’t do this anymore.
Every other time I thought of getting bariatric surgery, it
was no more than a fleeting thought. I
am a big wimp when it comes to anything medical. I hate getting my teeth cleaned. I pass out when I get my blood drawn. So the thought of signing up to have someone
cut me open didn’t really appeal to me.
And really for what? So you can’t
eat so much….well, how about you skip the surgery and just don’t eat so
much?? So that’s what I would do. And it would work great! Every time! I can drop 30 pounds no problem. Almost as easily as I gain it back. Which I do. Every time. Every.Time.
I don’t mind eating healthy.
But I have a problem with food.
An addiction. And that is truly
the scariest part of this whole thing for me.
Will I have this surgery and just do what I have done all along? Lose and then gain? Only this time instead of 30 pounds, it will
be 130 pounds? Will I stretch that
sucker right out? What’s to stop me from
doing just that? Right now I know I’m
full and I tell myself to stop eating…but I don’t. So what makes me think I will stop eating
when I’m full after the surgery? Or
worse than stretching it, what if I bust the staples because I won’t stop
eating?
What scares me even more is not having the chance to bust
the staples…because what if I don’t even make it out of surgery? What if something horrible happens during or
after and I die? That’s a huge fear of
mine. And even though the chances are
slim….there is still a chance.
So why am I getting it done?
Because I can’t do this anymore.
This is not a life. I
am truly miserable. I am so miserable
that I push every other wonderful thing (and there are a lot of them) into the
background. I am so sad and
depressed. I am not a good wife because
I have zero energy to clean, cook, play.
I am not a mother because I have obesity related health problems. Sometimes I look at the life I have created
and want to erase myself from it. I want
a do-over. So if I die in this surgery
or because of it, then at least I died in an attempt to be a better wife,
mother, friend, human.
Right now I don’t have health insurance but we are enrolling
in it so it will be effective in January.
It’s going to be so expensive.
About $550 a month total for both of us.
About $350 of that is just for me. That comes out to $4200 a year. So as long as I get the surgery, that is
really a bargain. (I will still have at
least another $1000 in copays I’m sure, but that’s still not bad.) I just hope I can get it done this year and
don’t run into any road blocks.
I am taking the first step next Thursday, November 21st
and going to a seminar. I am really
lucky that one of the BEST surgeons in the world for bariatric surgery is in my
area. He has been on Oprah and teaches
other surgeons all around the world how to improve their methods. So, really I have the best person to do the
surgery. That also played a huge role in
my decision to do it. My plan is to try
to schedule an appointment for January 2nd (the first day they are
open in 2014 when my insurance will be active).
I want to get the ball rolling.
In the meantime, I am going to make sure I have the best
chances for a safe surgery by being in the best health possible. I have been exercising. I want to have a strong heart and lungs. Well, here we go. I can’t wait!
For the first time in a long time, I feel HOPE…hope that I have a chance
at something better than THIS.
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